Forgetting my Sarah Marshall

OK So i just finished watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" for like the third time and if you haven't seen it and you like seeing Jason Segal's penis then i recommend watching very funny.
But i have one problem with these semi-chick flick movies that are made to appeal to the testicle having sex. All of them lately seem to have a male character losing his once horrible girlfriend or going through some huge life changing event, ("Elizabethtown" has both) and then directly afterward meeting this girl who completely gives them this new outlook on life and is just unbelievably a perfect girl for them. I don't get it do these girls exist because I've never met one and I'm tired of these movies making me feel like i should be waiting to meet one in some amazing "meet cue". But then i started to think about in another way these writers must kind of dislike women for 2 reasons. the first one being the fact that just about all these movies have a bitch a horrible girl that cheated on the main character or just completely fucked him over in some other way. The second they are doing what the "Lloyd Dobbler" character of John Cusack did for men in the eighties. Giving false hope that this kind of girl is out there I don't think any girl could live up to how cool Natalie Portman(garden State), Kirsten Dunst( Elizabethtown), or Mila Kunis(Forgetting Sarah Marshall) actually are in these movies. By the way if any of these girls are reading this leave a comment and ill give you my number because you In my life right now would be great. But back on topic why do writers do this why do they always paint this unrealistic picture of relationships, and before you say "Bryan its fucking movie you jack ass its supposed to be fictional." I know but I've seen movies where they do make it more realistic and they don't lose anything but the acting is not nearly as good so maybe the writers were going for that and the actors just fucked it up. If you I have to give a for instance i recommend watching the movie "Love & Sex" with Jon Favereau and Famke Jansenn ( On a side note I'm pretty sure I spelled both names wrong) If you pulled anything from yet another worthless rant of mine I hope it was a few good movies to watch and if your semi attractive a chance to get my number.

THERE IS NO GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN

Alas fans of the mafia I have returned. Sorry for long silence but i had things to do and figure out in my life. But enough of the boring stuff time to rant. What the fuck happened to Halloween this year?! I know I'm older and i shouldn't care because i can't really trick or treat anymore but damn it this year sucked. I saw exactly 2 count them 2 people in costume this year and neither were under the age of 25. I blame a few different groups for this. One are the religious zealots who have scared everyone into honestly believing Halloween is an evil abomination. They are obviously unintelligent asses. I also blame those sickos who fuck with kids candy. Why would you ever fuck with candy its one of the few joys left in life and you it with drugs or razor blades. i also blame us low life men who only want to see girls dress in slutty outfits. Don't get me wrong I'm just as bad as the rest of them but all the creativity has gone out of Halloween. A girl now just thinks of anything makes it a little trashy and that counts as a costume. I'm still waiting for the day i have to see a wookie in a short skirt. (trust me it will happen sooner or later) My roommates and i bought two bags of QUALITY candy and do you want to know how many kids came to our door. None! I am fat I do not need to have two giant bags of candy just lying around the house(by the way its almost all gone). Then i read this article about two children and their father who go trick or treating after a party just for some extra candy and when they ring the doorbell are shot by a shotgun from inside the house. What the fuck who does that. Especially on Halloween. I also blame parents because nowadays parents a lazy sacks of shit who don't want to walk with their kids around a neighborhood so they either make them stay at home or send and older sibling who is barely old enough to walking by themselves with the kid. Get creative get off your asses and stop fucking with my candy I'm done..

Open Letter To A Moron #2

Dear People who wear sunglasses indoors,

You ARE RETARDED there are only ever two reasons to wear sunglasses indoors and judging by the look of most of you it scratches the stoner reason. However unless your eyes have just been dilated which I doubt most the time they have just don't do it. You all look like tools, as well as complete and utter douche bags. I really have to struggle not to smack that shit eating grin off your faces. Your not cool and your not being mysterious. YOU ARE JUST BEING STUPID.

Thanks for your time,

B

P.S. For your own protection, unless your Corey Hart don't wear them at night either. (I'll Find you one of these days Corey, and when I do you will truly know pain. (Insert Evil Laugh)

Ahh Nostalgia

I recently bought the first season of MacGyver and the complete series of Spaced and old British sitcom. Now Spaced I knew nothing about but a friend from that side of the ocean spoke so highly of it and told of how it was one of the funniest shows across the pond that i thought I would give it a shot. An I promise you I was not disappointed. Spaced is one of the most off the wall and funny shows i have ever seen. If your a fan of the movies Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead you'll definitely like these they star and are from the same creative mind of Simon Pegg. Now on to my own personal nostalgia in MacGyver. This is one of those shows that is still just as good as we all remember. I don't understand why some channel hasn't picked this up in reruns. It was creative, action packed and made even cooler by the fact that the show Mythbusters proved that most of the things done on the show were all possible. So I say screw Chuck Norris Macgyver would have kicked his ass any day.

Open Letter To A Moron #1

Dear lady getting her hair cut at the same time as me,
I'm sorry that you feel that cancer research and alternative fuel sources are unimportant. However, I really doubt that scientist trying to a find a way of stopping you from going grey is an improtant task. At first I thought you might have been kidding but that fact that you KEPT talking about truly makes me understand just how stupid you truly are. Maybe one day you can convince someone close to you maybe a stuck up whore of a daughter to run for a political office of some sort and she can convince the higher ups to put off helping the starving masses and people still needing houses in New Orleans so that you can keep the some fucking hair color you vapid idiot.

yours truly,
B

Why Do We Care?

Once again sorry for the delay in posting again but I promise you I have a good one today sure to offend the mindless masses. Recently I have been getting more and more pissed off at our cultures needless obsession with celebrities' lives as well as non-celebs (Paris Hilton you know which category you are). These feelings came to a culmination the other night when I was watching the news and one of their top stories was the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins. This is not news. This story should have been left on the cutting room floor in a giant pile that says bullshit the American public shouldn't care about but does. Everyday working at a bookstore I see masses of people buying the magazines that do nothing but publish pictures taken by overpaid paparazzi and then slap a caption under that seems to completely change what could have been happening in said picture. A famous celebrity could be walking near someone on the street or beach and this automatically becomes their secret love interest. I just don't get it why do people need a window into these peoples lives what makes them so special. As far as I'm concerned they have the easiest job in the world someone pays them millions of dollars to pretend. Shit I was doing that when I was three. I have a mass graveyard of imaginary friends to prove my expertise yet I'm still broke. I'm pretty sure the idiots who read these would pay to see anything. They are patiently waiting for the picture of George Clooney taking his morning dump and that used to be fine. When it was just in those useless braincell killing magazines I was OK with it, but the day my news broadcast starts telling me that a Miss Universe contestant falling on her ass is more important than a fucking war going on or the presidential race taking place I get a little peeved. I was watching one those morning new shows the other day and they were talking about the woman falling because of her high heels and tried to say everyone does it, it's OK. Then they showed a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker falling down in an episode of Sex and the City. That is an actor, she was acting, showing people and actor doing something they were scripted to do should not make them feel better. But it probably does sadly enough. I just don't understand why we care and if anyone can give me a reason other than "we just like to see famous people having bad things happen to them that it makes us feel more normal" I'd like to hear it. An on another note to news stations if you wonder why more and more people are getting their news from shows like the Daily Show and The Colbert Report this is why. The intelligent of the world don't care about how many times Lindsey Lohan ends up in rehab or if to over indulged celebrities are feuding. IT IS NOT NEWS!!!!!!

Who the Fuck is Jackson Pollack anyway?

OK I realize I haven't written in awhile and I'm sorry, but there were a lack of things that I wanted to write about. Have no fear though I have come up with a decent topic. I recently watched the movie Who the Fuck is Jackson Pollack, this movie just reminded me of how much I've grown to hate modern art. In this movie a elderly woman (with a foul mouth) as you can tell by the title of her documentary has found a piece of art in her garage that looks remarkably like a painting that Jackson Pollack would have painted same style and everything( if you could call it style). So this lady being somewhat impoverished decides to try and get the painting certified as a Pollack painting and cash in. The certification is where the problems begin every critic or art connoisseur she takes it to pretty much tells her that there is no way she could have a Pollack painting and everyone who even looks at it tells her its not one. Now I'm not an expert like these people but I've seen some of Pollack's so called art and in no way could one tell the difference between a Pollack and one of my paintings from when I was four years old. All Pollack ever did was throw splashes of paint at a canvas that is not art, that is making a mess. Last night I was watching Andy Rooney and he was complaining about the same thing, he even showed a "sculpture" called "Two Indeterminate Lines", now i can't do metalwork but apparently neither could this person it looked like the artist started to something decided it was to hard and just left to metal rods in a very crude spiral. Once again NOT ART. What happened to the artists of the world I remember learning about artists like Michelangelo and Monet, Renoir and Da Vinci and others that i never bothered to learned there name. They made beautiful paintings and sculptures that we still admire today. That is what I miss, beauty in art, nowadays the only visual art I like is photography because most of the time people don't fuck it up. Another artists i never got was Andy Warhol, Soup Cans in different colors really that is the most creative thing he could come up with. I went to the Museum of Modern Art once and there were these two things I saw that i just couldn't believe. The first was an statue of a woman (I think) squatting taking a shit, not just a normal shit mind you this turd coming out of her ass was six feet long. NOT ART! Another one was a portrait of the Virgin Mary painted in different colors of ................ wait for it .............. Shit,turd, fecal matter. I just don't get it and I don't think i ever will but until I do no that there is an elephant in an African Zoo who you can hand a brush and paint to and could still create something more visual pleasing than anything Jackson Pollack or Andy Warhol could ever do.