Forgetting my Sarah Marshall

OK So i just finished watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" for like the third time and if you haven't seen it and you like seeing Jason Segal's penis then i recommend watching very funny.
But i have one problem with these semi-chick flick movies that are made to appeal to the testicle having sex. All of them lately seem to have a male character losing his once horrible girlfriend or going through some huge life changing event, ("Elizabethtown" has both) and then directly afterward meeting this girl who completely gives them this new outlook on life and is just unbelievably a perfect girl for them. I don't get it do these girls exist because I've never met one and I'm tired of these movies making me feel like i should be waiting to meet one in some amazing "meet cue". But then i started to think about in another way these writers must kind of dislike women for 2 reasons. the first one being the fact that just about all these movies have a bitch a horrible girl that cheated on the main character or just completely fucked him over in some other way. The second they are doing what the "Lloyd Dobbler" character of John Cusack did for men in the eighties. Giving false hope that this kind of girl is out there I don't think any girl could live up to how cool Natalie Portman(garden State), Kirsten Dunst( Elizabethtown), or Mila Kunis(Forgetting Sarah Marshall) actually are in these movies. By the way if any of these girls are reading this leave a comment and ill give you my number because you In my life right now would be great. But back on topic why do writers do this why do they always paint this unrealistic picture of relationships, and before you say "Bryan its fucking movie you jack ass its supposed to be fictional." I know but I've seen movies where they do make it more realistic and they don't lose anything but the acting is not nearly as good so maybe the writers were going for that and the actors just fucked it up. If you I have to give a for instance i recommend watching the movie "Love & Sex" with Jon Favereau and Famke Jansenn ( On a side note I'm pretty sure I spelled both names wrong) If you pulled anything from yet another worthless rant of mine I hope it was a few good movies to watch and if your semi attractive a chance to get my number.

THERE IS NO GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN

Alas fans of the mafia I have returned. Sorry for long silence but i had things to do and figure out in my life. But enough of the boring stuff time to rant. What the fuck happened to Halloween this year?! I know I'm older and i shouldn't care because i can't really trick or treat anymore but damn it this year sucked. I saw exactly 2 count them 2 people in costume this year and neither were under the age of 25. I blame a few different groups for this. One are the religious zealots who have scared everyone into honestly believing Halloween is an evil abomination. They are obviously unintelligent asses. I also blame those sickos who fuck with kids candy. Why would you ever fuck with candy its one of the few joys left in life and you it with drugs or razor blades. i also blame us low life men who only want to see girls dress in slutty outfits. Don't get me wrong I'm just as bad as the rest of them but all the creativity has gone out of Halloween. A girl now just thinks of anything makes it a little trashy and that counts as a costume. I'm still waiting for the day i have to see a wookie in a short skirt. (trust me it will happen sooner or later) My roommates and i bought two bags of QUALITY candy and do you want to know how many kids came to our door. None! I am fat I do not need to have two giant bags of candy just lying around the house(by the way its almost all gone). Then i read this article about two children and their father who go trick or treating after a party just for some extra candy and when they ring the doorbell are shot by a shotgun from inside the house. What the fuck who does that. Especially on Halloween. I also blame parents because nowadays parents a lazy sacks of shit who don't want to walk with their kids around a neighborhood so they either make them stay at home or send and older sibling who is barely old enough to walking by themselves with the kid. Get creative get off your asses and stop fucking with my candy I'm done..

Open Letter To A Moron #2

Dear People who wear sunglasses indoors,

You ARE RETARDED there are only ever two reasons to wear sunglasses indoors and judging by the look of most of you it scratches the stoner reason. However unless your eyes have just been dilated which I doubt most the time they have just don't do it. You all look like tools, as well as complete and utter douche bags. I really have to struggle not to smack that shit eating grin off your faces. Your not cool and your not being mysterious. YOU ARE JUST BEING STUPID.

Thanks for your time,

B

P.S. For your own protection, unless your Corey Hart don't wear them at night either. (I'll Find you one of these days Corey, and when I do you will truly know pain. (Insert Evil Laugh)

Ahh Nostalgia

I recently bought the first season of MacGyver and the complete series of Spaced and old British sitcom. Now Spaced I knew nothing about but a friend from that side of the ocean spoke so highly of it and told of how it was one of the funniest shows across the pond that i thought I would give it a shot. An I promise you I was not disappointed. Spaced is one of the most off the wall and funny shows i have ever seen. If your a fan of the movies Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead you'll definitely like these they star and are from the same creative mind of Simon Pegg. Now on to my own personal nostalgia in MacGyver. This is one of those shows that is still just as good as we all remember. I don't understand why some channel hasn't picked this up in reruns. It was creative, action packed and made even cooler by the fact that the show Mythbusters proved that most of the things done on the show were all possible. So I say screw Chuck Norris Macgyver would have kicked his ass any day.

Open Letter To A Moron #1

Dear lady getting her hair cut at the same time as me,
I'm sorry that you feel that cancer research and alternative fuel sources are unimportant. However, I really doubt that scientist trying to a find a way of stopping you from going grey is an improtant task. At first I thought you might have been kidding but that fact that you KEPT talking about truly makes me understand just how stupid you truly are. Maybe one day you can convince someone close to you maybe a stuck up whore of a daughter to run for a political office of some sort and she can convince the higher ups to put off helping the starving masses and people still needing houses in New Orleans so that you can keep the some fucking hair color you vapid idiot.

yours truly,
B

Why Do We Care?

Once again sorry for the delay in posting again but I promise you I have a good one today sure to offend the mindless masses. Recently I have been getting more and more pissed off at our cultures needless obsession with celebrities' lives as well as non-celebs (Paris Hilton you know which category you are). These feelings came to a culmination the other night when I was watching the news and one of their top stories was the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins. This is not news. This story should have been left on the cutting room floor in a giant pile that says bullshit the American public shouldn't care about but does. Everyday working at a bookstore I see masses of people buying the magazines that do nothing but publish pictures taken by overpaid paparazzi and then slap a caption under that seems to completely change what could have been happening in said picture. A famous celebrity could be walking near someone on the street or beach and this automatically becomes their secret love interest. I just don't get it why do people need a window into these peoples lives what makes them so special. As far as I'm concerned they have the easiest job in the world someone pays them millions of dollars to pretend. Shit I was doing that when I was three. I have a mass graveyard of imaginary friends to prove my expertise yet I'm still broke. I'm pretty sure the idiots who read these would pay to see anything. They are patiently waiting for the picture of George Clooney taking his morning dump and that used to be fine. When it was just in those useless braincell killing magazines I was OK with it, but the day my news broadcast starts telling me that a Miss Universe contestant falling on her ass is more important than a fucking war going on or the presidential race taking place I get a little peeved. I was watching one those morning new shows the other day and they were talking about the woman falling because of her high heels and tried to say everyone does it, it's OK. Then they showed a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker falling down in an episode of Sex and the City. That is an actor, she was acting, showing people and actor doing something they were scripted to do should not make them feel better. But it probably does sadly enough. I just don't understand why we care and if anyone can give me a reason other than "we just like to see famous people having bad things happen to them that it makes us feel more normal" I'd like to hear it. An on another note to news stations if you wonder why more and more people are getting their news from shows like the Daily Show and The Colbert Report this is why. The intelligent of the world don't care about how many times Lindsey Lohan ends up in rehab or if to over indulged celebrities are feuding. IT IS NOT NEWS!!!!!!

Who the Fuck is Jackson Pollack anyway?

OK I realize I haven't written in awhile and I'm sorry, but there were a lack of things that I wanted to write about. Have no fear though I have come up with a decent topic. I recently watched the movie Who the Fuck is Jackson Pollack, this movie just reminded me of how much I've grown to hate modern art. In this movie a elderly woman (with a foul mouth) as you can tell by the title of her documentary has found a piece of art in her garage that looks remarkably like a painting that Jackson Pollack would have painted same style and everything( if you could call it style). So this lady being somewhat impoverished decides to try and get the painting certified as a Pollack painting and cash in. The certification is where the problems begin every critic or art connoisseur she takes it to pretty much tells her that there is no way she could have a Pollack painting and everyone who even looks at it tells her its not one. Now I'm not an expert like these people but I've seen some of Pollack's so called art and in no way could one tell the difference between a Pollack and one of my paintings from when I was four years old. All Pollack ever did was throw splashes of paint at a canvas that is not art, that is making a mess. Last night I was watching Andy Rooney and he was complaining about the same thing, he even showed a "sculpture" called "Two Indeterminate Lines", now i can't do metalwork but apparently neither could this person it looked like the artist started to something decided it was to hard and just left to metal rods in a very crude spiral. Once again NOT ART. What happened to the artists of the world I remember learning about artists like Michelangelo and Monet, Renoir and Da Vinci and others that i never bothered to learned there name. They made beautiful paintings and sculptures that we still admire today. That is what I miss, beauty in art, nowadays the only visual art I like is photography because most of the time people don't fuck it up. Another artists i never got was Andy Warhol, Soup Cans in different colors really that is the most creative thing he could come up with. I went to the Museum of Modern Art once and there were these two things I saw that i just couldn't believe. The first was an statue of a woman (I think) squatting taking a shit, not just a normal shit mind you this turd coming out of her ass was six feet long. NOT ART! Another one was a portrait of the Virgin Mary painted in different colors of ................ wait for it .............. Shit,turd, fecal matter. I just don't get it and I don't think i ever will but until I do no that there is an elephant in an African Zoo who you can hand a brush and paint to and could still create something more visual pleasing than anything Jackson Pollack or Andy Warhol could ever do.

Beware oh Beware

For those of you who dare to siphon my gas I warn you I now have something to deter you. What might you ask could possible scare you away well I ll tell you. My guard bird. That's right my guard bird. oh he looks sweet and innocent but when provoked he will poke your eyes out and shit down the holes where they used to be. He resides in one of the shrubberies near my car i won't tell you which one but he's there lurking in the leaves when I'm at work and sitting right next to my car when I'm home. He has been currently watching my car for 4 days now marching up and down the sidewalk saving his strength for when he has to attack. He looks hungry so beware oh yes BEWARE!

Feeding the Criminal Element

I make no qualms about being all for capital punishment but I think in today's society we as a culture have decide that being a criminal is acceptable as well as praised and i for one don't get it at all. Explain to me why the youth of today are all of sudden idolizing murders, pimps, drug dealers, and gangsters. I work at book store and in the recent year I've seen a few things that just don't make any sense to me. One is the recent publication of a Mob Lifestyles magazine I mean what the hell I've seen some weird titles on magazines but nothing to ever make me scratch my head as much as a mag glorifying the gangsta(look at me being hip) life. But that's just one thing, over the past year I would hate to tell you how many phone calls or ship to home orders I've taken for sending books to jails or detention centers. Don't get me wrong I'm all for books that might help with some rehabilitation but that is never what is ordered. The books ordered the most are usually African American fiction like True to the Game one, two, or three and Dutch one, two, or three. Both books have criminals as their main characters. The worst orders happened this past week when i had one woman want to order two or three books on drug trafficking for her son in prison. I mean the fact that he was in prison shows me he couldn't get it right the first time, what a good mom ordering him some research material so he doesn't make the same mistakes. Another mom wanted to order her son a few books about the Aryan brotherhood and Nazi culture including Hitler's Mein Kamph. Gee, son i know you're in prison but I want to send you some books that will make you hate most of society more. I just don't understand where our society took a turn for worse and if it was up to me I wouldn't allow these books to go to the prisons but then again I also think the whole three strike rule is a little lenient as well. Maybe we should learn from history in the way they treated criminals I'm all for cutting off the hands of thieves and the death penalty for murderers whether they are insane are not.

Two Crappy Actors Who Need To Disappear

I wasn't going to write again this soon but I just read that Brad Pitt is going to get the lead role in the new Captain America movie starting to film. As you read earlier I am a comic book fan as well of an avid visitor to the movies. Now before you ladies start yelling at me about hating on Brad Pitt know now that he is not one of the two focuses of this rant. I just used him as segue to complain about who was also up for this prized role of America's favorite Avenger. For those of you wondering I'm talking about Mrs. Scorsese, I'm sorry i mean Leonardo DiCaprio. I hate this man as an actor with every fiber of my being. He is a horrible actor and the scary part is that Hollywood doesn't realize it, especially Martin Scorsese, who apparently is gay for him because he has cast him in his last four movies.(One is filming now.) The worst part about this is generally he is in good movies that would just be phenomenally better if he wasn't there. For example Catch me If you Can, good movie, interesting story and the rest of the cast was good especially Tom Hanks. Luckily this was a movie where Leo didn't have an accent which apparently is his usual downfall. Like in some of his more recent movies Blood Diamond, Gangs of New York, and The Departed. With the exception of Gangs of New York, these movies were really good. Wonderful in fact except for their one flaw, the lead actor. I mean its sad that the only convincing role this man has ever pulled off was when he was a retard in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape. Now I know all the girls in my middle school class loved him in Romeo and Juliet but I don't think they paid attention to the movie that much because that movie would have been awful even without him. Movie after movie I have to hear him butcher accents such as Irish, Boston, and South African. I know he sounds whiny as an American but come on directors just stop hiring him. Unless he is playing another retard I could go without ever seeing him again. (match in the gas tank boom boom)

Now on to the second actor and this one might piss off a few readers but if it does I just won't ever take their opinions on movies seriously again. Mr. Samuel L. Jackson this is to you. If you are cast in a movie that does not mean they want you to play Samuel L. Jackson it means they want you to play the role in the script. Every movie I see him in he just plays himself. Yes I liked him in Pulp Fiction but since then he is either playing the same character or himself I can't tell. In the Star Wars movies he played Samuel as a Jedi without the foul language, in Black Snake Moan he played old Samuel Jackson. Come on Snakes On A Plane was movie about Samuel L. Jackson on plane with snakes he's not even trying to hide it anymore. He's not that cool. The latest travesty is the fact that he has been cast as Nick Fury in the new Marvel comic movies. Now for those of you who don't know Nick Fury in the comics for years had this one characteristic that made it impossible for Mr. Jackson to play. He was white. Now I'm not a racist but this makes no sense to me. I know that in recent years Marvel has an alternate universe called the Ultimate universe where all there heroes have different things about them from the original like Nick Fury being black. My problem with this is the fact that if none of the other characters are going to be from the Ultimate universe than why should Nick Fury. In the early 90's there was a movie called Nick Fury, S.H.E.I.L.D Agent, the man cast to portray him none other than David Hasselhoff and honestly i'd rather see him do it again then Samuel L. Jackson with an eye patch. Don't hassle the Hoff! I'm out.

A.K.A Japanese Toilet Paper

Let me start by saying I am a comic book fan, I have always been a comic book fan. I mean I used to have subscriptions that is how much of a dork I am. Now that is out of the way here is my newest problem with society its called Manga. For those of you who don't know Manga is a poor excuse for a comic book or graphic novel done by the Japanese. However if you are comic book reader loyal to the big names like Marvel, DC, and Dark Horse etc. don't expect as good of art work or story lines. Expect shit because that is pretty much where manga comes from. If you have ever seen any anime cartoons it is pretty much the same hero tries to defeat villain....fails, hero tries again....fails, hero tries a third time and then somehow finds that thing they always had in them to beat the villain. If you don't like spoilers I'm sorry i just spoiled a good 80% of all the titles for you maybe more. But this is only one of the many problems with manga. Another problem comes from the fact that there are so many titles and so many worthless little wastes of sperm reading them. Notice i said reading because in fact 90% of the readers don't actually buy them they sit in the floor of their local bookstore stretched out in every ones way all fucking day. It takes them all day because a fight in these shit rags takes almost four novels. (may be an exaggeration) Not to mention the things are usually in black & white, because that is visually ascetic. Next on my list of complaints is the weird fact that they are written backwards. Yes, I said backwards, you start in the back of the book and read from right to left. Yay shit in reverse because the bad story might get better if i read it the wrong way. But now for my biggest problem the fact that they are putting classics out in the same form and the classic that pisses me off the most the MANGA BIBLE. Can I get a big WHAT THE FUCK from the readers please. There is another one based on the New Testament called the Manga Messiah as well. In these interpretations characters are more violent and talk like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid. Because Jesus would have kicked those Romans ass that peace preaching son of god deep down was a martial artist you know. So instead of us letting our boys grow up to be cowboys we are letting them worship a culture that has no problem inventing vending machines that sell dirty women's panties. Would you like a skid mark with your backwards reading piece of Japanese toilet paper I bet you would. Just to give more proof there are also titles like The Prince Of Tennis, and one that only talks about dogs and one about a girl and her cooking show. Yeah who needs Spider-Man or superman when you got a graphic novel about Paula Dean, Lassie, or Andre Agassi.

The Siphoning Of Our Souls

So I don't know how to best tell this story but let me try. I am very anal about checking my gas gauge every night when i get home so I know whether or not I have to make time to stop for gas the next day. Well the night before last I did my normal routine of checking and I was at a little over quarter of a tank. In other words about a $40 worth of gas. So I went to sleep thinking I don't have to worry about taking out a loan to fuel my car in the morning. Little did i know (pause for dramatic music) that some piece of shit low life was going to exact his/her revenge on the gas companies and foreign oil prices by pilfering my cars life force. Now it was somewhat early in the day (12pm) when I left work I had made it about halfway when I noticed that every little bit of my gas was gone and my car had just started to sputter. I can not possibly describe to you the amount of anger that flew into me, especially knowing fully well I had gas when i went to bed that night. For a brief minute I actually assumed that maybe just maybe I read the needle wrong the night before, it was sort of late when I got home. So I calm down pull into the nearest station, go to unscrew my gas cap and realize its barely even screwed on. A good idea if your stealing my gas and don't want to make any noise its one of those ones that click loudly into place. My original assumption was right some loser stole my gas. Now after I calmed down I started thinking about the situation and for no reason is this ever going to be cool but I thought some scenarios in my head that would make a shit stain of a human being do this.

1. They were poor and need the gas to a. get a job or b. go to a job

2. They suck at life.

3. They are trying to make a profit by siphoning and then selling my gas.

4. They are an environmental nut job (you know who you are) and decided if I am driving an SUV than I should have my gas stolen based on some warped principle.



OK If the culprit is a member of the first group I'm truly sorry for you financial problems but I hate you anyway and you could take a bus you douche bag. If you are a member of group number two well I can't really help you. Your a waist of your dads sperm and should do the world a favor and step into oncoming traffic where people whose gas you haven't stolen yet can enjoy running you over and maybe backing up a couple times as well. If you are a member of group number three please read above comment about group number two and try and make it more creative for the viewers at home. As for group number four I'm all for saving the environment, to a certain degree. Yes i drive and SUV and yes it uses a lot of gas, but did it ever dawn on you to that I have a reason for driving SUV. Reason one I'm not a small man in fact I'm fat so I don't fit in you little hybrid matchbox toys very well. I'm also a musician so on the occasion that i actually play somewhere I have to lug all my equipment around which doesn't fit in a Yaris quite as well as it fits in my SUV. So in response to you siphoning my gas the next time your hugging a tree I hope GOD sees fit to throw some lightning your way just for fun. I now have to spend, in addition to filling up my tank again, a ten dollar lockable gas cap.

P.S By the way if you want gas prices to go down we should use less of it which means by stealing my gas and making me buy more isn't helping fuck stick.

I'm An Idiot

There comes a time when everyone has to admit that they are truly and idiot. Today is my day. I've pissed off one of my best friends without meaning too and I don't know what to do. I will keep apologizing until they speak to me again in the hopes of a reconciliation. Then maybe if given the chance I can explain further because there are certain things I don't like to disclose about myself that I think this person deserves to know in more detail. But If they read this I'm so sorry and if I lost you as a friend then I deserve it but I hope that isn't what has happened. Please forgive me you didn't deserve that even if I was joking around I'll do what ever I can to get you to forgive me. I'm Sorry

Celebrity or Not

I wasn't going to write tonight but then I was watching the news, if you want to call it that nowadays, and I saw that the son of Hulk Hogan is in jail. Now you might say why is this even considered news, well its not. The part that caught my interest was about a week ago I saw little Nick Hogan crying via prison telephone to his "mommy" about how he just couldn't handle jail. Every night he was afraid that someone was going to kill him and that the conditions were horrible. FUCKING NEWS FLASH its jail its supposed to suck. He turns a friend of his into a vegetable street racing and he still feels the right to complain. Now this isn't the problem, the problem is that the prison actually gave him a more comfortable cell with Internet, cable, library privileges, and personal workout time. He isn't even a real celebrity, even though that shouldn't matter either. I cannot understand how we expect famous people to realize they've done something wrong if we are afraid to punish them as severely as regular people. The worst part is his parents helped him achieve this monstrosity. Just more proof that parents today think babying there child is the same as raising them with morals. Which honestly is completely another topic to blog about. If the Hogan's really wanted to help their child they would have left him for dead in that prison. Ignored him in every manner, no visits, no phone calls just left him their with no contact. Stop grounding kids to their rooms when they have computer games and TVs. Spank the little shits, it works I know, kids need discipline not a pat on the back and their parents blaming someone else like the school system for their problems. If anything the parent is to blame for not paying attention. I hope Mr. Hogan meets up with a huge gigantic guy in the shower with the affinity for screwing people in uncomfortable places.(Not the back of a Volkswagen either)

I just want to complain

OK So I'm sitting at work yesterday and instead of working I was reading the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly, I know real productive. Anyway I got to reading an editorial about how this guy is getting sick of the superhero movie craze of late and how its ruining his ideals of how summer blockbusters. Pretty much the norm for whining editorials these days nothing really relevant to say. He tried to support his distaste by quoting figures to show how most the movies really aren't doing that well yada yada yada. However, he goes on to say that he still goes to pretty much all of them. Now I have my own theories on these movies but first let me address the fact that if this man or woman, that's how insignificant I found the writer, really wanted these movies to go away then he/she should stop going. As long as they get your money they don't care (I almost used "could careless" sorry Erin). My personal belief, being the comic book geek that I am, I would rather go see these movies good or bad than another sequel to a movie that not only didn't warrant a sequel but didn't do that well around the first time. I mean honestly sequels are getting made left and right and lately they don't even have the original cast. It would be like taking the amazing cast in the Ocean's 11 remake (Clooney,Pitt, Damon) and replacing them with cast from some flop TV show. Don't get me wrong I love a good chick flick, drama, or comedy but the inner dork in me jumped for joy when Spider-man broke box office records and Return of the King one some Oscars. It just means that a used to be neglected demographic that really hadn't been thought about since the original Star Wars trilogy is finally leaving the dim glow of their computer screens and stained fingers from comic books behind and going outside long enough to stand in line to see a movie. I personally get excited every time a comic book is about to become a movie. Nine times out of ten I know it will suck but like a meteorologists they'll get it right sooner or later. But i digress I would like to see another big epic like Gladiator or Braveheart but I personally have had enough of the cliche war movies so I can understand the writers annoyance but until we both are allowed to sit in on one of those brain trust meetings where they come up with gems like White Chicks or anything else the Wayan Brothers have participated in, I guess we'll just have to take what we can get.

P.S I'll see everyone at the new Batman movie

Popping the Blog cherrry

Hello bloggers and readers of blogs. This will be my first blog other than the pitiful little ones I used to do on myspace. I can't promise thrill or chills but quite possibly some personal spills. Mainly i will rant about movies, music, and life in general. For those of you who don't know me I work in a book store, which for anyone who works in retail as well knows you get all kinds of interesting people to make fun of. But since this is my first post ill keep it brief and will hope to hear form you on future posts.